20 Things to Say to Your Daughter Before She’s Grown
At our summer camp for girls in Illinois, we exist for girls as they are, so they imagine the women they can become. Below is a digested version of a good blog post from mom Jenna McCarthy, an internationally published writer, TED speaker and author helping to facilitate similar character development, with some wise/fun specific tips.
From a very young age our girls are targeted with messed-up media messages (think “Thin is beautiful, and beautiful is everything, and if you want to be happy, you need these shoes!”) and exposed to all manner of temptations, online and otherwise. As a parent who can shape who they’ll become, there are many life lessons that I’d want to teach any child of mine. But there is also some specific advice for daughters.
Here are 20 girl-centric things I want them to know.
1. Learn the word NO. In the big, scary world out there you will be faced with endless tough choices. From boys to beers to inappropriate Instagram photos, potential trouble will lurk everywhere you go. You know that little voice you have inside, the one that tells you something doesn’t feel right? Listen to it. Respect it. And most importantly, use it to say NO. You’ll almost always be glad you did.
2. Spend more time worrying about how beautiful you are inside than outside. If how you look is all you care about, you’ll pay for it down the road. True beauty comes from being kind and thoughtful and compassionate. If you’re ugly on the inside, you’re ugly. Period.
3. Stuff won’t make you happy. Happiness comes from appreciating the things you do have, not acquiring more.
4. Some girls are mean girls. Be extremely careful when you choose your friends. Some of them will lie to you or pretend to be your friend or stab you in the back, and it will hurt like hell every single time. If you’re totally unprepared for it, it will crush you even more.
5. Girlfriends will save your life. When you find a loyal, true friend, hold onto her for dear life, and do your best to be loyal and true right back. A good girlfriend will be your steady through the peaks, the valleys and everything in between.
6. Don’t judge people (but know that you will be judged). I’ve taught you not to assume things about people simply by the way they look or the clothes they wear; unfortunately the rest of the world won’t always do the same. Remember that when you want to bare your belly or pierce your tongue or dye your hair blue. (This may not matter much to you now, but wait until you’re trying to get a job or meeting your first boyfriend’s — or girlfriend’s — parents.)
7. Boobs are overrated. Until you have them, you’re going to want them. When you get them, you’ll obsess about them. No matter how you feel about your boobs, remember that they’re not called “private parts” for nothing. So do yourself (and me!) a favor and cover them up. Nothing you could ever do screams I NEED ATTENTION like putting your perky young rack on display.
8. Get to know your grandma. Grandma’s had a lifetime of experience being a woman, and it would be a waste to not tap into her wisdom. Ask her about what it was like growing up, the first boy she liked, how she knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. She won’t be around forever, so make sure you get to know her while you still can.
9. High school is not real life. It feels like there’s so much at stake, with cool girls you’re desperate to befriend and boys you’re crushing on so hard you can’t imagine ever meeting anyone better. But trust me: Life gets so much bigger. And what someone is like in high school is little indication of who they become as an adult. It’s impossible to have that perspective when you’re in it, but please trust me and believe these words when it seems like your world is ending.
10. Love yourself first. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay. It’s impossible to please everyone. The only person who absolutely must like you is, well, you. As long as you can look at the chick in the mirror and know you’re making the decisions that are right for her, even if they displease someone else, you can’t go wrong.
11. It’s okay to wait. The other kids are rounding the bases, while you’re not even sure what the bases are. That feeling of overwhelmed discomfort with the whole thing is telling you you’re not ready. You’ll get there someday, and there’s no reason to rush. Hardly anyone ever regrets taking things slow, while a lot of girls do have remorse over rushing.
12. Sex should be fun. You shouldn’t be in any rush to have sex, but when you do feel totally ready to do the deed, remember it’s supposed to be fun — really fun. If your partner doesn’t care about making you feel good, both emotionally and physically, or you don’t know enough about your own body to lead him [or her] in the right direction, see #11.
13. Not every problem is the end of the world. It will take you a while to develop full-fledged perspective; in the interim, play the “will this matter in five minutes/days/years?” game before you freak out about something that feels major in the moment.
14. Don’t compare yourself to others. There will always be someone prettier, richer and more popular or talented or athletic or artistic than you are. Don’t assume her life is better or happier than yours because of it. Life isn’t a competition, it’s a journey. You’re here to work on being the best you can be.
15. It’s only hair. You’ll wish it were thicker or longer or wavier or straighter. You’ll braid it and twist it and color it. You’ll spend untold hours counting your split ends. And for what? It’s hair. Life is too precious to waste so much time on the pursuit of mane perfection. Put a baseball cap on it, and go out and have some fun.
16. Being smart is cool. Don’t ever dumb yourself down because you think it’ll make you seem cooler or to try to impress a guy. There may be a window of time when your peers genuinely think that brains are for dorks, but it’s a very small window, I promise. If you choose to use your brain, I promise you those dingbats will be drooling over how cool and successful you are.
17. Don’t lose yourself in [someone else]. The goal of dating is to find [someone] you like just as [they are] and who likes you just as you are. Don’t pretend to love wind-surfing or scary movies just because [they do], or act like you don’t love the clarinet because [they think it’s dumb]. There are plenty of [people] out there who will love and admire every last quirky thing about you. Hold out for one of them.
18. Speak up. If you have an opinion or you aren’t being treated fairly or you see something happening that you know isn’t okay, it’s your right and your obligation to open your mouth.
19. You have power over [others romantically]. At some point, it will hit you: You are the reason [they] stumble over [their] words and get sweaty palms. It’s a pretty heady feeling to realize you’re in possession of feminine wiles, isn’t it? But with great power comes great responsibility, so make sure you are always gentle and never cruel. After all, [others] can have their hearts broken, too.
20. You’ll hate me some days, but I’ll always love you. I hope you know enough not to say it to my face, but I accept the fact that there will be moments you feel like you detest me. All daughters think their mothers just don’t/couldn’t possibly/will never ever get it at some point. But even if you hate me — even if you tell me so — I am still there for you. If you need a ride home from a crazy party, advice on a guy problem or just a good cry, I’m your girl.”
What about you? Are you a mom with some wisdom to share? Please do so below in the comments!