Teach Your Teenager about Non-Stranger Rape
At our girls-only and boys-only camps in the Midwest, we teach our campers, and enforce, the rule of 3—whereby a child is never to be alone with an adult. I’m not sure why this rule isn’t mandatory at all schools, religious institutions, and anywhere where children and adults interact…but that’s a topic for another day.
Part of the reason my wife and I taught our child about ownership of his body from an early age, is so he didn’t run the risk of being abused. Other parents think along the same lines and also educate their children in that vein. Unfortunately, neither we, nor any of our friends that I know of, considered educating our children sufficiently regarding rape awareness. (At least American society has progressed to the point where we’re not using the word “rape” as routine sports terminology, like we did maybe until about 15 years ago, but we still have a ways to go…)
I recently read Jon Krakauer’s powerful book Missoula, in which Krakauer looks at the University of Montana, the local police and the prosecutor’s office through the eyes of five women who reported rapes or attempted rapes between 2010 and 2012.
Below are some important takeaways, gleaned from the book, my own experiences—especially as a young adult in an environment where people often made poor, life-impacting decisions, and general advice received over time from others.
5 THINGS CHILDREN OF BOTH SEXES SHOULD KNOW:
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The FBI definition of rape is:
“Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.”
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The physical and psychological repercussions of rape include:
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PTSD, self-harm, flashbacks, sexually transmitted infections, dissociation, depression, secondary victimization, victim blaming, substance use, suicide, inability to trust, anger and blame, shock, numbness, loss of control, disorientation, helplessness, sense of vulnerability, fear, self-blame/guilt, and feeling that these reactions are a sign of weakness.
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Non-stranger rape is relatively commonplace, especially against young women.
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80-85% of rapes are non-stranger rapes, i.e. by an assailant with whom the victim is acquainted;
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Females between ages 16 and 24 face a higher risk of being sexually assaulted than any other age group.
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There’s no profile of a rapist, who can be likable, sociable, considered as kind, gentle, even timid
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Undetected rapists often have no sense of themselves as rapists
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You probably have an acquaintance who is a rapist
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A rapist is not usually an “other”
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Be aware of rape myths and the damage they do to victims, both genders, and general societal perceptions of the nature of sexual assault.
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Nobody “invites” sexual assault.
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5 THINGS BOYS ESPECIALLY SHOULD KNOW:
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Avoid excessive use of alcohol and drugs.
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They can cloud your judgment and are never an excuse for aggressive behavior.
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Know and communicate your sexual limits.
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Be aware of sexual pressures to “score.” It’s okay to say no or to wait to have sex.
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Accept a woman’s decision.
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If you are turned down for either a date or sexual activity, do not continue to press the issue. “No” does not mean “yes, if you pressure someone long enough”.
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An individual has the right to end sexual activity, even if they have previously or are currently involved in sexual behavior with you.
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Being turned down for sex doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t like you. It’s much more a statement about not feeling ready for sex at this time.
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Acknowledge and understand that consent to sexual activity can be withdrawn at any time.
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Do not take silence as a yes. If you are uncertain that someone wants to engage in further sexual activity, or your sexual partner is not acting responsive, you should stop and ask how s/he feels before proceeding further.
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Don’t assume a woman wants to have sex.
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Even if she is wearing sexy clothing or has been flirting with you a lot, it doesn’t mean she wants to have sex with you.
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10 THINGS GIRLS ESPECIALLY SHOULD KNOW:
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Avoid excessive use of alcohol and drugs.
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Alcohol decreases awareness, so people are less likely to note aggressive or coercive behavior. Stay lucid, especially when with acquaintances and strangers.
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Always watch every beverage you drink (whether alcoholic or not); most drugs used to spike a drink are colorless and tasteless.
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Always get your own drink and watch it being poured. Once you lose sight of your drink, do not consume it any more.
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If someone offers to buy you a drink, watch the bartender prepare it and accept the drink only from the bartender.
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Do not drink from communal containers, such as punch bowls.
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Never leave your drink unattended. If you need to use the restroom and can’t take your drink with you, leave it with a trusted friend—not a new date!
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When going out with friends, watch out for each other.
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Arrive together, check in with each other at various intervals, and leave together.
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Don’t allow anyone you do not know take your friend somewhere else without checking on your friend first.
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If a friend appears intoxicated or high, escort them to a safe place immediately.
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Know your sexual limits; be assertive; and communicate them clearly.
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Don’t wait until the “heat of the moment” to think through how far you do or do not want to go with your partner.
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Never assume a person interprets your passivity correctly—where you are disinterested, they may perceive interest or believe that you wish to be pursued.
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If you are not interested in someone, make that clear. If a person’s advances make you feel nervous, have nothing to do with them.
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State your limits clearly; use words like STOP!, NO! and repeat if necessary. Do not be afraid to make a scene if you feel threatened by an acquaintance. Yell, kick, pound on a wall, throw things, do everything possible to attract outside attention.
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Be assertive with anyone who ignores your personal boundaries, regardless of the length of time you’ve been acquainted with the person. You have every right to stop a sexual act from continuing at any time, regardless of your attraction to the other person or any prior sexual acts you have done with them.
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Be aware of non-verbal cues.
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Know that if you dress sexy and flirt, some men may think you want to have sex. This doesn’t mean your dress or actions are wrong, but know that they may create misunderstanding.
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Trust your intuition.
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If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. If your instincts tell you that you need to get away from someone, get out of the situation as soon as you can and don’t worry about hurting feelings or causing a scene.
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Be mindful of your physical whereabouts and communicate that only to friends/family.
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Always let someone know who you are going with and what your itinerary is.
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Do not go to an apartment or hotel room if you do not know the person well, and don’t let them follow you to your room. Do not give out your room number, and ask hotel/apartment staff not to give out your information to anyone who may call to ask about it. Once you are with someone in their room—or they, in yours—it is much more difficult to extract yourself from a bad situation.
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Do not allow new acquaintances to know you are alone at an event or that you live by yourself.
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Do not give out personal information (such as your location or mobile number or address) or your daily schedule online.
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Watch out for apparent jerks
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Be cautious if a person habitually negates your opinions and feelings: “You don’t believe that,” or “You really don’t feel that way.”
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Be cautious with anyone who displays hostility towards a gender or tends to verbally degrade and stereotype an entire gender: “They’re all bitches or sluts”; “They say one thing when they really mean another.”
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Note how someone treats service staff (i.e. waiters, clerks). Is he rude and aggressive with them?
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A person should never make you feel obligated to engage in a sexual act (including kissing) just because they paid for drinks/dinner/entertainment. You are also not obligated to engage in sexual activity with someone after an ‘X’ amount of dates. Never date a person who espouses those beliefs.
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Never be alone with people who ignore your personal boundaries. This is specifically directed at individuals who won’t take “no” for an answer when you reject their romantic/sexual overtures and also those who attempt to coerce you into behavior that you find uncomfortable. If someone does this, cut off all communication.
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Date people whose background you are familiar with in real life.
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Always meet initial dates in public and do not allow them to come to your home until you have known them for some time.
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Do not be pressured into inviting an individual into your home, even it’s for an innocuous reason such as having a glass of water or using the bathroom.
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During a sexual assault, a victim should follow his or her instincts, while observing the behavior of the rapist as much as possible. If you find yourself in this situation, do what your instincts tell you to do to survive.
A salient article from Christian Science Monitor discussed 5 stunning facts about American justice revealed in “Missoula”, as summarized and bulleted below:
1. Almost all rapists go unpunished
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Rape is the most underreported serious crime in the nation; at least 80 percent of rapes are never disclosed to law enforcement agencies.
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When an individual is raped in this country, more than 90 percent of the time the rapist gets away with the crime.
2. ‘Nice guy’ rapists don’t realize their crimes
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A 2009 study of Navy recruits found that 13 percent were “undetected rapists”: They acknowledged they committed acts that qualify as rape, such as having sex with someone who didn’t want to but was too intoxicated to resist. The victims didn’t report the rapes, and not a single one of the men believed he was a rapist.
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“They share this common idea that a rapist is a guy in a ski mask, wielding a knife, who drags women into the bushes….all the usual myths and misconceptions about rape” and believe “nice guys” like themselves don’t rape.
3. Discredited rape research won’t vanish
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According to the father of an alleged victim, the Missoula police chief believed that about 50 percent of rape claims are false. The police chief reportedly referred to a 2009 article referring to two debunked studies from the 1980s and 1990s.
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Numerous websites remain dedicated to advancing the notion that American society suffers from an epidemic of spurious rape allegations by malicious women, resulting in the wrongful conviction of many thousands of innocent men.
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A 2010 analysis of existing research suggests that the actual percentage of false rape claims is 2-10 percent.
4. Universities are tougher on rape than courts
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Much of “Missoula” is devoted to examining the obscure justice system inside the University of Montana that decides whether accused rapists should be expelled.
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Countless universities and colleges run similar internal justice systems that require alleged victims to testify and face cross-examination in front of peers and university employees like professors and officials.
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As of 2011, Krakauer reports, all American colleges and universities are required to use a “‘preponderance of evidence’ standard in sexual assault cases, rather than the ‘clear and convincing evidence’ standard that most universities were using at the time, or the ‘beyond a reasonable doubt’ standard used in the criminal justice system.”
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This means that schools can expel students if most evidence – more than 50 percent – supports their guilt.
5. Missoula is hardly a ‘rape capital’
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Missoula rate of reported sexual assaults is a a bit lower than towns of its size.