5 Tips to Connect with Your Tween
At our summer camp programs west of Chicago, we have the great opportunity to have the youth of all ages connect with young adults (and older adults), who have the great ability to have children listen to what they have to say and actually abide by their respectful requests. Wouldn’t it be amazing to connect consistently in your household too?
Oh, the seemingly unpredictable “tween”…it can feel daunting trying to figure out what to say and what to do to connect with your pre-adolescent child—going through the rigors of middle childhood and adolescence—usually around 10 to 14 years of age. This is such an important time for your child—who’s beginning to shape into her/his future self, rapidly developing self-identity—caring more about perceptions of others and becoming more exposed to popular culture. All the while, your relationship with your child is rapidly evolving from that of a hands-on manager to a mentor/advisor, even while s/he has become more critical of human relationships generally, and possibly with you specifically as an authority figure. It’s more important than ever for you to reconnect.
Here are five tips for helping to establish or re-establish quality connections during the tween years (and beyond).
1. Spend quality time together
Eat together at least once a week. The value of an uniterrupted meal together is incalculable. Be sure to turn off the TV, cell phones, and computers. Make sure it’s fun, and discuss things that aren’t school- or chore-related. Be sure to listen, listen, and listen, after you ask about your tween’s life, thoughts, and friends.
Outside of meal time, ask your ‘tween what she wants to do with you. Especially as children mature, they should have increased control as to how you spend one-on-one time with each other.
Get out of your comfort zone together. Taking a class or workshop with your tween, or trying together a new adventure—whatever it may be—will lead to great shared experiences.
2. Find out who your child is
Borrow her/his music device or share headphones. Appreciating your child’s musical interests, as opposed to judging them, can go a long way to helping understand your child. You can gain great insight into what music interests her/him and why.
Watch and listen when s/he’s with friends. Just by paying attention when s/he’s with friends—hearing what the group is talking about and how they’re interacting with each other—can be extremely informative. You’d be surprised by what they say even if you’re there simply being quiet and present.
3. Share your history
Show your child your old photo albums (or download pics onto their smartphone, depending on your e-comfort level). Your child would love to hear more about your parents and old friends, especially when the stories relate to her/his life. You can discuss character similarities—how much s/he’s like her Aunt Jane or Uncle John. This helps to ground your child, especially in those tween years as s/he’s searching for personal definition. Talk about what you did back in the day. Sharing your own personal mistakes and insecurities from when you were their age goes a long way to showing that you really do get what s/he’s going through now.
4. Commune with nature
Slow things down and get away from life’s distractions by getting outdoors. Take a walk; go fishing; go for a bike ride; go lie on the grass and look at the clouds. Outdoor time will ground you.
5. Serve others
Combine your spirituality with service to others and time with your tween. Pick a charity and help them out. Choose something that your ‘tween will find fun and meaningful. This will be good for you, good for society, good for your relationship, and good for your spiritual practice.
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