Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids
Often, despite being an “intentional parent” and trying my best to offer only constructive lessons, well-thought-out feedback for my child, and other mature, responsible, fatherly-type actions, I find my voice rising seemingly uncontrollably, and only afterward realize…whoops, I yelled for no apparent reason. An article from blogger “Orange Rhino” encapsulates why we should endeavor to manage those emotions properly. Below are the highlights from her pledge to refrain from yelling at her kids for at least a year, with the whole article at this link.
1. Yelling isn’t the only thing I haven’t done in over a year.
I also haven’t gone to bed with a gut-wrenching pit in my stomach because I felt like the worst mom ever. And I haven’t heard my sons scream, “You’re the meanest, worstest, mommy in the whole world, I don’t love you anymore!”
2. My kids are my most important audience.
When I had my “no more yelling epiphany,” I realized that I don’t yell in the presence of others because I want them to believe I am a loving and patient mom. The truth is, I already was that way but rarely when I was alone, just always when I was in public with an audience to judge me. This is so backwards! I always have an audience — my four boys are always watching me and THEY are the audience that matters most; they are the ones I want to show just how loving, patient and “yell-free” I can be. I want my boys to judge me and proclaim, “My mommy is the bestest mommy ever!”
3. Kids are kids — and not just kids, but people too.
Like me, my kids have good days and bad days. Some days they are pleasant and sweet and listen really well; other days they are grumpy and difficult. And like all kids, my boys are loud at times, they refuse to put their shoes on. So, yeah, I need to watch my expectations and remember that my boys are kids: they are still learning, still growing, and still figuring out how to handle waking up on the wrong side of the bed. When they “make mistakes” I need to remember that not only does yelling not help, but like me, they don’t like to be yelled at!
4. I can’t always control my kids’ actions, but I can always control my reaction.
I can try my hardest to follow all the parenting tricks of the trade for well-disciplined children, but since my kids are just kids, they sometimes won’t do what I want. I can decide if I want to scream “Pick up your Legos!” when they don’t listen or if I want to walk away for a second, regain composure by doing some jumping jacks, and then return with a new approach.
5. Yelling doesn’t work.
There were numerous times when I thought yelling would just be easier than finding deep breaths and creative alternatives to yelling. But I knew better. Early on, I learned that yelling simply doesn’t work, that it just makes things spiral out of control and it makes it hard for my boys to hear what I want them to learn. How can they clearly hear me “say” “Hurry up, get your backpacks, your shoes, your jackets, don’t touch each other, go faster, you can do it yourself!” when it’s all a garbled, loud mix of intimidating orders that are making them cry?
6. By yelling you might miss out on life-changing moments.
One night I heard footsteps coming downstairs well after bedtime. Although infuriated that my “me-time” was interrupted, I remained calm and returned said child to bed. As I tucked him in he said “Mommy, will you love me if I go to heaven first, because if you go first, I will still love you. In fact, I will always love you.” I can guarantee if I had yelled “GET BACK IN BED!” we never would have had that sweet, very important conversation.
7. Two words you should always remember are “at least.”
I am not going to say not yelling is “easy peasy,” but getting creative with alternatives certainly made it easier and more doable. And after yelling into the toilet, beating my chest like a gorilla, singing Lalala, Lalala it’s Elmo’s world it certainly got a heck of a lot easier. Sure, I feel silly at times doing these things, but they keep me from losing it. So do my new favorite words: “at least.” These two small words give me great perspective and remind me to chill out. I use them readily in any annoying but not yell worthy kid situation. “He just dropped an entire jug of milk on the floor at least it wasn’t glass and at least he was trying to help!” I also use them readily when I want to give up:”‘Okay, this is hard but at least there are only three hours until bedtime, not 12.”
8. Often times, I am the problem, not my kids.
I quickly realized that oftentimes I wanted to yell because I had a fight with my husband, I was overwhelmed by my to-do list, I was tired or it was that time of the month, not because the kids were behaving “badly.” I also quickly realized that acknowledging my personal triggers by saying out loud: “Orange Rhino, you have wicked PMS and need chocolate, you aren’t mad at the kids, don’t yell” works really well to keep yells at bay.
9. Taking care of me helps me to not yell.
Once I realized that personal triggers like feeling overweight, feeling disconnected from friends, and feeling exhausted set me up to yell, I started taking care of me. I started going to bed earlier, prioritizing exercise and most importantly, I started telling myself it’s OK to not be perfect. Taking care of me not only helps me not yell, but it also makes me happier, more relaxed, and more loving. There is no doubt that I am in a better parenting AND personal place now that I don’t yell.
10. Not yelling feels phenomenal for everyone.
Now that I have stopped yelling, not only do I feel happier and calmer, I also feel lighter. I go to bed guilt-free and wake up more confident that I can parent with greater understanding of my kids, my needs, and how to be more loving and patient. And I am pretty sure my kids feel happier and calmer too. Tantrums are shorter and some are completely avoided. Now that I am calmer, I can think more rationally to resolve potential problems before meltdown mania.
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