Should we focus on achievement or caring?
At our multicultural summer camp, we try to be intentional to foster an environment encouraging children to be their best selves to and with each other. You’d think that most parents would share that goal right? Unfortunately, a recent study shows otherwise–that children believe their parents are more concerned with the kids’ achievement than whether they cared for others.
Richard Weissbourd–a Harvard psychologits with its graduate school of education–and his colleagues have some good recommendations about how to raise kids to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. It’s something that intentional parents know needs to be focused on; as the researchers note: “Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up ont them. They need adults who willl help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood.”
Here are five strategies that can help you in your effort to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common.
1. Make caring for others a priority
Children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others— whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or standing up for a friend who is being bullied. Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A significant component is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy.
As a parent, you should:
Instead of telling kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
Ensure that your children address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who habitually express gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and also more likely to be happy and healthy.
As a parent, you should:
Avoid rewarding children (generally, in keeping with the mantra of not Punishing by Rewards…but also specifically…) for every act of helpfulness. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors.
Talk to your child about caring and uncaring or just or unjust acts they might witness themselves, see on television or hear about on the news.
Ritualize gratitude at dinnertime, bedtime, or in the car; thank those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.
3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Children need to learn to “zoom in,” by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to “zoom out,” by taking in the big picture and considering the varied perspectives of the people with whom they interact daily, especially those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their choices can ripple out and harm various members of their communities.
As a parent, you should:
Make sure your children are friendly to and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as bus drivers or servers.
Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable, like comforting a classmate who was teased.
Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in other places.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect.
As a parent, you should:
Practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves (which doesn’t mean having to be perfect…just try!)
Acknowledge our mistakes and flaws.
Respect children’s thinking and listen to their perspectives, demonstrating how we want them to engage others.
Model caring for others by doing community service (with your child) at least once a month.
Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.
5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but because some ways of dealing with them are not helpful, kids need guidance to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
As a parent, you should:
To teach your kids to calm down: practicing when your child is calm—ask them to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five.
When your child is getting upset, remind them about the steps and do them together. After a while your child will start to do it on their own to express feelings in a productive and appropriate way.